Irrational Arguments

My daughter, 4, has begun arguing with me. Or rather, she has changed the method she uses to make me insane.

My daughter dislikes rules, listening, or doing what someone other than the devil asks her to do. So as you can imagine, even the simplest tasks can become World War C. Lately she's thrown in a new strategy though.

Me: "Clara, please get out of the tub and get your jammies on."

Clara: *ignores me*

Me: "Clara, it's time to get out and get our jammies on."

Clara: *suddenly super interested in the opposite wall, still ignoring me*

Me: "Okay, well if you're not going to listen, I guess we'll have to skip ice cream tonight."

Clara: *crying* "Momma! You don't like my dress!"

.......

UM, how did a dress get brought up in this conversation when she's naked & I'm talking about ice cream?! But she wins. I spend the next 5 minutes with dead eye trying comprehend what happened.

Typically kids wait until they are in their teenage years before they start consciously trying to ruin the lives of their parents. Not mine.
My little one has it in for me, I know it. I know this because he is purposefully and intentionally plotting my decline into insanity. It began quite innocently and I never saw it coming. One day, he crawled into the kitchen, opened the cupboard door ("oh, look! He opened it all by himself! Awwww...), and proceeded to pull all of my Tupperware out. I thought it was no big deal; they aren't breakable and he's having so much fun! Little did I know that it was the beginning of the end.
From that day forward, he has done everything he can to slowly push me over the edge. I step into the laundry room (which is right off the kitchen) to put a load in the washer, only to hear the sound of little plastic containers hitting the ground. It's gotten to the point where he's pulling them out at least three times a day. I tried to explain to him that this is showing some addictive tendencies but he won't listen. From the Tupperware he has moved into the laundry room for his next fix. He pulls all the shoes from the shelves. With six people living in this home; that's a LOT of shoes. His sister feeds his growing addiction, too. She may be the one who turned him on to all of this. She'll open their older brother's bedroom door to allow him access to the bookshelves and DVD shelf. Here is where he really goes crazy. He throws books to the floor and laughs his sinister laugh. When they are all on the floor and scattered around the room, he moves into the walk-in closet- with his sister's help, of course. He empties the DVD shelf in a matter of seconds then carries several movies of the room to me; full of pride. The children know I alone have to clean up these messes. The know that in between cleaning, laundry, working, studying, cooking and attending school, the last thing I need is to pick up all the Tupperware, shoes, books and DVD's that we own, which are now laying in a haphazard pile in the middle of the floor. But they do it. And they laugh about it. They know that one of these times will be the time that my brain can't handle any more and it just snaps.

when spit fall inbetween your toes

Let me begin today by saying that although I currently have two children in diapers...I am NOT a baby person. I don't enjoy the smell of formula in the morning. The attraction my 11 month old has for the tupperware cupboard makes me want to pull my hair out. The 2 year old has an addiction to taking her poopy diaper off and dumping it's contents all over whatever room she happens to be in. The endless snot. The frequent urinating through clothing. The incessent crying, hitting, whining, screaming, drooling....
There are some benefits to having babies though....i'm sure of it.

there must be one....

monkey's for children

why does a new kitchen table equate a jungle gym to 2 and 1 year olds? Why does the back of the couch draw them like a moth to a flame?

last night Clara was standing on the back of the couch, messing with the a/c unit. i asked her if she was a monkey. she turned and looked at me and said "eee eee eee eee" (monkey sound)

seriously.

spilling my coffee...

My two little ones and I took a trip to the grocery store-which in itself it rather insignificant. However, I bought a few things I hadn't planned on buying and I also decided to treat myself to a coffee. Flash forward to me pushing a double stroller with a baby in the front, groceries packed into every nook and cranny available in the second seat and in the storage area below the seats, four extra grocery bags in one hand and my coffee in the other. Add this scene to the many inches of snow which has fallen recently. As I try to push the stroller through the snow, my coffee spills out of the lid. I try again slower this time...which doesn't work because there isn't enough force to push through the snow and the halting again spills my coffee. Now as I begin to push again, the top bag of the groceries tips over. Cans roll everywhere. It's like a ridiculous scene out of a ridiculous movie. Clara begins to cry because it's so cold outside. I am starting to lose my cool (if I ever had any). I pick up the items off the ground and throw them into the bag, as if to punish them. As if the canned squash gives a crap. As if the groceries took a dive just to mess with me. I finally get everything straightened out. I realize that Clara has walked herself to the door. *Mental Note: Teach her to unlock the door* The sidewalk is bumpier than the drive and there is more coffee on my hand and my coat than  in the cup now. If I hadn't paid 4 bucks for it, I would throw it across the lawn. I finally get to the door, and realize that there is a cup holder on the second seat that my coffee cup fits just perfectly in.

Nevermind. I'll fill all that empty space that's now in my coffee cup with Whiskey.

what am i thankful for?

Thanksgiving. On this day every year, we are supposed to take a look at what we are thankful for. Count our blessings. Spend time with family and friends. Blah Blah Blah. What about all the things we AREN'T thankful for? After a day filled with "I'm thankful for my family" and "I'm thankful for my kids".... I'd like to share my list of what I'm NOT thankful for.
i am NOT thankful for:

• the fourth poopy diaper in a row.
• the Tupperware blanketing my kitchen floor.
• non-washable makers.
• no room for my shows on the DVR.
• little hands pulling my pajama pants down while i'm cooking breakfast.
• singing "baby bumble bee" again.
• the fifth poopy diaper in a row.
• tripping over shoes in the entryway.
• single dirty sock under the couch.
• finding that rotten baby bottle that was tossed behind the crib.
• stinky bathroom drains.
• cleaning the microwave.
• 6 baskets of laundry to fold.
• scary movies.
• snot.
• the sixth poopy diaper in a row. (what have you been eating?!?!)
• crumbs. everywhere.
• stepping on a matchbox car in the middle of the night.
• drool between my toes.
• suckers stuck to the carpet in my car.
• hearing "MOM!" the last time before bed.
• crooked lamps.
• silence (when the kids are NOT sleeping).

Overall, I give thanks for my many blessings in life. But honoring those things that make my blood boil gives me a reason to finish that bottle of wine I have sitting on the counter.

Is this my life?

I am a mom. I have four children. I work. I clean. I cook. I went back to college at 30. What was I thinking?
This is my life. I think. Sometimes I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I forget my kids birthday's (not really, just occasionally when people ask me and expect an answer too quickly). I don't have time to volunteer in my kid's classrooms. I'm too busy, really. I leave dirty dishes in the kitchen sink. Or the counter. Or the table. Whichever has the most surface area at the time. I currently have four baskets of clean laundry in my living room. I would wager I have at least that many full of dirty laundry too. I don't remember the last time I scrubbed the bathroom floors. Actually, I don't remember the last time I saw the bathroom floors. I think they are tile.
I grew up thinking I could do it all. I could be a mother, work, enjoy time with my girlfriends, travel....until I had a child. Then I thought I could still be a mom (afterall, they don't let you give the baby back), work and occasionally enjoy time with my girlfriends. Until baby #2. Now I began to question myself. I can still handle the mom thing (though, now there are more baby bottles in my house than wine bottles...which could be a problem), and I can still manage to squeeze a few hours of gainful employment in there once in a while. Now baby #3 comes along. Well, now I spend most of my time trying to figure out how to just tackle being a mom, let alone all the other wonderful things I used to dream about. Add step-son age 11 (all you middle school moms are nodding) and now...I ask myself "IS THIS MY LIFE?"
What happened to going to Europe? What happened to living in a funky downtown apartment in New York City? What happened to weekend trips to Vegas with the girls? Babies happened. And they ruined my life.